Monday, April 25, 2011

Walking through the valleys...

I don't really even know where to begin... I never imagined that I would be hit with so much emotion the day of April 21st. Thursday would have been our baby's due date. I really didn't know what to expect. Thankfully, my sweet husband drove home very late the night before to be with us for Easter... and boy was I glad he was here....

I haven't truthfully cried very much after losing either pregnancy. It's almost like I was just trying to trick my mind to believe that it didn't really happen. How can you deal with so much hurt? Losing two pregnancies within 6 months of each other? It's alot to process, so I just didn't...

After the first miscarriage, I picked the pieces up and thought, "Ok, it's happened once but it can't happen twice so I'll be fine." We weren't even "trying" and we weren't even ready to discuss jumping back to the fertility doctor. We were TOTALLY SHOCKED to learn that we were pregnant...

I immediately thought that the Lord had given us an AMAZING miracle. I just KNEW that this was it! God was given us the baby that we'd wanted as soon as Parker was born...

Of course, I was heartbroken when we learned that we'd lost not one, but two babies... Really heartbreak doesn't do it justice... defeat, anger, frustration, fear are just a few of the feelings that I have gone through...

Of course, my mind immediately starts worrying about the future... More fertility treatments?? I am not sure if I can go there again... What more can my body endure? Years of shots, hormones through the roof... ugh...

It seems like everyone around me is having a baby... PLEASE don't get me wrong. I am always THRILLED, THRILLED, THRILLED for my friends when they receive the joyous news of becoming a parent... But it's so hard not to thing, "WHy not me, God?" What is the purpose of putting us through the trials of continuous, painful, expensive fertility treatments? What's the purpose of taking my babies away from me before I can hold them and lay my eyes of their sweet faces?"

Thursday was hard. I just kept thinking that I should be exhausted because I wasn't sleeping. I should be rocking my baby in the middle of the night and I wasn't. I was crying for what should've been..

Thankfully I have a God who loves me and walks with me through these valleys.. I KNOW that He is with me even though I might not "feel" Him all of the time. I have literally felt that I have been walking through a fog lately but I know that He's guiding me when I can't even see.

I don't know what the future holds.. I don't know if we will get to experience the joy of having another baby but I do know that I PRAY that the Holy Spirit will remind me to see the other "little joys" all around me. I have an amazing husband who listens to me "spill my heartbreak", he hugs me when I whine about gaining 10 pounds through all of the stress, and he makes me laugh when I need it.

I have an amazing family who would do ANYTHING to help us experience parenthood again. I have a new, beautiful home waiting for me to decorate, and friends who go above and beyond for us.

I have the most precious son that a mom could pray for. He makes me smile, me makes me laugh, me drives me up a wall, too. :) What a blessing he is to our family. I can't imagine life without him. I praise God for the blessing of Parker everyday!

And last, I have a Savior who GUARANTEES my eternity in Heaven with my children. What a day that will be when my babies can run into my arms. I long for the day... But until then I will trust that they are perfect and healthy. (I mean who better to care for your child than Jesus?)

I guess grief comes in waves.. I will feel "fine" for awhile and then it will hit me again. I would imagine that October 3rd will bring all of these emotions back again but I (we) will cross that bridge when we get there.

Until then, I give my grief, sorrow, and heartache to the only one who can truly take it away... He is the only one who can provide true joy and peace... I will never "get over" losing babies but I know with time the hurt will lessen...

Thanks to all who have prayed and loved us.....


3 comments:

Emily said...

Julie! Wish I could hug you right now! Such a sweet post!

Whitney said...

Julie, I'm so sorry you've had to go through such heartache. I'm so glad you have such a strong support system helping you get through the pain. You will continue to be in my prayers. You guys are amazing parents and I pray God will fulfill your dreams of another baby. Sending love your way!

Ashley said...

Julie, I have prayed for you and Chad and will continue to pray for you. You are an amazing mommy, and such a strong Christan woman!