Monday, April 4, 2011
February and March review...
I have actually avoided discussing the months of February and March on my blog because up until this point, I just wasn't ready to face the reality of the situation. Our lives have been filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows but by my God's sweet grace, we survived. We know and truly believe that He will lift and carry you through times that you don't think are possible to survive.
February began with an amazing surprise. (I am going to try to tell the shorter versions or this blog post will be pages long.) I wasn't feeling well during a long run with my dear friend Emily. We ran 9 miles and I was struggling... Emily kept saying, "I bet your pregnant." I was just laughing inside because I kept thinking... Poor Emily.. she wasn't here before to see the struggles we've faced. Us just "getting pregnant' isn't an option. Goodness knows, we have a few years of fertility treatments under our belt. Well, I was a few days late on my monthly visitor (which for me is totally normal. I can go MONTHS without a cycle.) but against better judgment I took a pregnancy test. I randomly found one in the cabinet that I have NO idea where it came from. I quite buying those things YEARS ago. To my total surprise, the durn thing was positive. I about hit the floor. Chad was at the car place buying my new car and mumbled a few things and said get home now!
Of course, he was floored also! I took another test... Positive again.... Holy cow! This is crazy. I had gone to Dr. Woodford the day before to discuss a few mild fertility treatments that we could try until our move and he said that there was no way I was pregnant... (proved him wrong, huh?)
We frantically called Dr. Allen and scheduled a blood test the following morning. I was a nervous wreck as I drove to the doctor.. Was this just some kind of cruel joke? But the test confirmed it! We were pregnant! I immediately called my fertility doctor in Birmingham and literally left the most ridiculous message for the nurses. I could hardly articulate a complete thought. I was giddy!
I headed to Huntsville the following day for more blood work. Nancy, our DEAR nurse practitioner, has been with us since 2007 when we started this journey to grow our family. She couldn't believe it either. Dr. Honea called me at home that night to confirm that I was pregnant, but she did have a few concerns with the numbers so we'd wait a week and do more blood work. I was a little nervous but we were just beaming with joy!!! We were pregnant and we did it the FREE way! :)
The weekly visits began and we were nervous but thrilled. The first two weeks were good visits but we started to notice that the baby wasn't growing properly and my Beta, pregnancy hormone, was increasing but not like it should. Dr. Honea was concerned but our little peanut was hanging strong. After a few weeks, Nancy, felt like she saw two "structures." She couldn't confirm twins but she felt strongly that it was. Around what should have been week 8 in my pregnancy we got heartbreaking news.
The heart was barely, barely beating. This was a Monday (around March 3rd, I think) They went ahead and scheduled a D&C in Birmingham for that Friday. Nancy was just as sad as we were but our Prayer Warriors began doing their magic. (I wouldn't have survived without them.) They gathered in groups and sat alone to pray for this sweet baby. We needed a miracle. We returned to the doctor on Thursday to confirm that the heart had completely stopped beating before we proceeded with the D&Con Friday. To our AMAZEMENT, the baby had finally grown and the heart was beating stronger...
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL... We clearly saw 2 heartbeats.... WHAT???? We were so shocked, we didn't know what to do. We went in to confirm no heartbeat but instead, saw 2??? I couldn't wait to tell everyone that God had answered our prayers... We shared the news and everyone was beaming for these little miracles. We went home and celebrated. It was such a joyous weekend.... Our HUGE God isn't so huge after all. He heard me and my cries and answered our prayers!
The weekend was great, but Monday brought heartache again. We returned for another ultrasound. My dear husband had to leave early that morning to go back to Indiana so my mom went with me for support. I knew immediately that the babies were gone. I have seen TONS of ultrasounds and it was very clear. My babies were no longer alive. We were heartbroken. I had to call and tell my precious husband over the phone that they were gone.
It has taken me awhile to process what has happened. My emotions have been all over the place. I have wondered "Why did we have to get the good news. Why in the world would God put us on such a roller coaster?" I couldn't believe that I was going to have to do another D&C just 5 months after the first one... It was terrible to even think about...
All I know is this... I don't know why God has chosen to take 3 babies from us here on Earth... I do know that He loves me more than I can imagine and He knows all to well how hard it is to lose a child. He watched His very own Son suffer through the most unimaginable pain. I can't imagine the horror in witnessing something like that.
Heave is for Real has given my so much peace. The book discusses the little boy meeting his sister in Heaven and his sister talked about dying in her mommy's tummy and how she can't wait for her mommy and daddy to get to Heaven. I know that I will meet my three babies in Heaven one day. I will rock them to sleep (if we sleep in Heaven :) We will run and dance on the golden streets together. I may not have my house full of kids here on Earth that I wish and long for but I know that I will one day when I get to live with my God in Heaven. I can just imagine Jesus with one baby on each knee and one hanging from his shoulders. I know He is loving and hugging my babies. What a glorious sight.
Yes, I have days that I am very sad. April is hard because my due date from the first pregnancy is soon approaching. April 21st was my due date. Thankfully I have an amazing husband and he is going to drive home from Indiana so we can be together as a family that day.
(Chad moved to Indiana today... That's a whole other blog post. :)
I love each of you and we are so appreciative of all of the prayers and support we have received. It will never be forgotten.