Monday, April 25, 2011
I don't really even know where to begin... I never imagined that I would be hit with so much emotion the day of April 21st. Thursday would have been our baby's due date. I really didn't know what to expect. Thankfully, my sweet husband drove home very late the night before to be with us for Easter... and boy was I glad he was here....
I haven't truthfully cried very much after losing either pregnancy. It's almost like I was just trying to trick my mind to believe that it didn't really happen. How can you deal with so much hurt? Losing two pregnancies within 6 months of each other? It's alot to process, so I just didn't...
After the first miscarriage, I picked the pieces up and thought, "Ok, it's happened once but it can't happen twice so I'll be fine." We weren't even "trying" and we weren't even ready to discuss jumping back to the fertility doctor. We were TOTALLY SHOCKED to learn that we were pregnant...
I immediately thought that the Lord had given us an AMAZING miracle. I just KNEW that this was it! God was given us the baby that we'd wanted as soon as Parker was born...
Of course, I was heartbroken when we learned that we'd lost not one, but two babies... Really heartbreak doesn't do it justice... defeat, anger, frustration, fear are just a few of the feelings that I have gone through...
Of course, my mind immediately starts worrying about the future... More fertility treatments?? I am not sure if I can go there again... What more can my body endure? Years of shots, hormones through the roof... ugh...
It seems like everyone around me is having a baby... PLEASE don't get me wrong. I am always THRILLED, THRILLED, THRILLED for my friends when they receive the joyous news of becoming a parent... But it's so hard not to thing, "WHy not me, God?" What is the purpose of putting us through the trials of continuous, painful, expensive fertility treatments? What's the purpose of taking my babies away from me before I can hold them and lay my eyes of their sweet faces?"
Thursday was hard. I just kept thinking that I should be exhausted because I wasn't sleeping. I should be rocking my baby in the middle of the night and I wasn't. I was crying for what should've been..
Thankfully I have a God who loves me and walks with me through these valleys.. I KNOW that He is with me even though I might not "feel" Him all of the time. I have literally felt that I have been walking through a fog lately but I know that He's guiding me when I can't even see.
I don't know what the future holds.. I don't know if we will get to experience the joy of having another baby but I do know that I PRAY that the Holy Spirit will remind me to see the other "little joys" all around me. I have an amazing husband who listens to me "spill my heartbreak", he hugs me when I whine about gaining 10 pounds through all of the stress, and he makes me laugh when I need it.
I have an amazing family who would do ANYTHING to help us experience parenthood again. I have a new, beautiful home waiting for me to decorate, and friends who go above and beyond for us.
I have the most precious son that a mom could pray for. He makes me smile, me makes me laugh, me drives me up a wall, too. :) What a blessing he is to our family. I can't imagine life without him. I praise God for the blessing of Parker everyday!
And last, I have a Savior who GUARANTEES my eternity in Heaven with my children. What a day that will be when my babies can run into my arms. I long for the day... But until then I will trust that they are perfect and healthy. (I mean who better to care for your child than Jesus?)
I guess grief comes in waves.. I will feel "fine" for awhile and then it will hit me again. I would imagine that October 3rd will bring all of these emotions back again but I (we) will cross that bridge when we get there.
Until then, I give my grief, sorrow, and heartache to the only one who can truly take it away... He is the only one who can provide true joy and peace... I will never "get over" losing babies but I know with time the hurt will lessen...
Thanks to all who have prayed and loved us.....
Sunday, April 24, 2011
I just realized today that I didn't take a picture of Parker by himself today in his Easter clothes... Oh well... Here's one from today's Easter Egg Hunt... (minus his cute sweater vest... way to hot for that thing during the hunt..)
Friday, April 22, 2011
Parker's Easter Party was yesterday at school and it was so fun! I love getting to see his friends at school that he talks about at home!
Parker and Caleb
Parker and Edward
Parker and Molly-I couldn't get him to stop looking at her.
Parker, Edward, and William.... Such silly boys!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
My parents had my moms side of the family over this past Sunday for our first Easter celebration. Everything was wonderful, except for the fact that Chad wasn't there.. :( (He's coming home tomorrow for 3 whole days!)
Addison and Parker were cheating and watching them hide the eggs for the egg hunt.
Kaden and Parker
Kaden, Parker, and Addison
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Life at our house has been crazy lately. Chad has pretty much been traveling since February and he actually moved to Indiana to live in a corporate apartment the first of April. We miss him like crazy and I miss our normal routine. I am ready to get to Indiana to begin our "new normal."
Here are a few recent pictures...
This one makes me laugh. Sweet Melodie invited me and Emily and all the kiddos over one night for dinner because Chad and Will were out of town and John was working late. This is the best picture I got of all of the kids....
Last Thursday, Parker, Bailey (the dog) and I loaded up the car and headed to Indiana to spend a week with daddy. It was Parker's spring break at school. We had a GREAT week. We visited the Children's Museum twice and the zoo twice. Parker LOVED both places. Let me say, the children's museum in AMAZING!
And Last But Not Least....
OUR NEW HOUSE!!! WOOO HOOO!! We are thrilled! I love it! The movers/packers come May 2nd to start packing our stuff!
Monday, April 4, 2011
I have actually avoided discussing the months of February and March on my blog because up until this point, I just wasn't ready to face the reality of the situation. Our lives have been filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows but by my God's sweet grace, we survived. We know and truly believe that He will lift and carry you through times that you don't think are possible to survive.
February began with an amazing surprise. (I am going to try to tell the shorter versions or this blog post will be pages long.) I wasn't feeling well during a long run with my dear friend Emily. We ran 9 miles and I was struggling... Emily kept saying, "I bet your pregnant." I was just laughing inside because I kept thinking... Poor Emily.. she wasn't here before to see the struggles we've faced. Us just "getting pregnant' isn't an option. Goodness knows, we have a few years of fertility treatments under our belt. Well, I was a few days late on my monthly visitor (which for me is totally normal. I can go MONTHS without a cycle.) but against better judgment I took a pregnancy test. I randomly found one in the cabinet that I have NO idea where it came from. I quite buying those things YEARS ago. To my total surprise, the durn thing was positive. I about hit the floor. Chad was at the car place buying my new car and mumbled a few things and said get home now!
Of course, he was floored also! I took another test... Positive again.... Holy cow! This is crazy. I had gone to Dr. Woodford the day before to discuss a few mild fertility treatments that we could try until our move and he said that there was no way I was pregnant... (proved him wrong, huh?)
We frantically called Dr. Allen and scheduled a blood test the following morning. I was a nervous wreck as I drove to the doctor.. Was this just some kind of cruel joke? But the test confirmed it! We were pregnant! I immediately called my fertility doctor in Birmingham and literally left the most ridiculous message for the nurses. I could hardly articulate a complete thought. I was giddy!
I headed to Huntsville the following day for more blood work. Nancy, our DEAR nurse practitioner, has been with us since 2007 when we started this journey to grow our family. She couldn't believe it either. Dr. Honea called me at home that night to confirm that I was pregnant, but she did have a few concerns with the numbers so we'd wait a week and do more blood work. I was a little nervous but we were just beaming with joy!!! We were pregnant and we did it the FREE way! :)
The weekly visits began and we were nervous but thrilled. The first two weeks were good visits but we started to notice that the baby wasn't growing properly and my Beta, pregnancy hormone, was increasing but not like it should. Dr. Honea was concerned but our little peanut was hanging strong. After a few weeks, Nancy, felt like she saw two "structures." She couldn't confirm twins but she felt strongly that it was. Around what should have been week 8 in my pregnancy we got heartbreaking news.
The heart was barely, barely beating. This was a Monday (around March 3rd, I think) They went ahead and scheduled a D&C in Birmingham for that Friday. Nancy was just as sad as we were but our Prayer Warriors began doing their magic. (I wouldn't have survived without them.) They gathered in groups and sat alone to pray for this sweet baby. We needed a miracle. We returned to the doctor on Thursday to confirm that the heart had completely stopped beating before we proceeded with the D&Con Friday. To our AMAZEMENT, the baby had finally grown and the heart was beating stronger...
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL... We clearly saw 2 heartbeats.... WHAT???? We were so shocked, we didn't know what to do. We went in to confirm no heartbeat but instead, saw 2??? I couldn't wait to tell everyone that God had answered our prayers... We shared the news and everyone was beaming for these little miracles. We went home and celebrated. It was such a joyous weekend.... Our HUGE God isn't so huge after all. He heard me and my cries and answered our prayers!
The weekend was great, but Monday brought heartache again. We returned for another ultrasound. My dear husband had to leave early that morning to go back to Indiana so my mom went with me for support. I knew immediately that the babies were gone. I have seen TONS of ultrasounds and it was very clear. My babies were no longer alive. We were heartbroken. I had to call and tell my precious husband over the phone that they were gone.
It has taken me awhile to process what has happened. My emotions have been all over the place. I have wondered "Why did we have to get the good news. Why in the world would God put us on such a roller coaster?" I couldn't believe that I was going to have to do another D&C just 5 months after the first one... It was terrible to even think about...
All I know is this... I don't know why God has chosen to take 3 babies from us here on Earth... I do know that He loves me more than I can imagine and He knows all to well how hard it is to lose a child. He watched His very own Son suffer through the most unimaginable pain. I can't imagine the horror in witnessing something like that.
Heave is for Real has given my so much peace. The book discusses the little boy meeting his sister in Heaven and his sister talked about dying in her mommy's tummy and how she can't wait for her mommy and daddy to get to Heaven. I know that I will meet my three babies in Heaven one day. I will rock them to sleep (if we sleep in Heaven :) We will run and dance on the golden streets together. I may not have my house full of kids here on Earth that I wish and long for but I know that I will one day when I get to live with my God in Heaven. I can just imagine Jesus with one baby on each knee and one hanging from his shoulders. I know He is loving and hugging my babies. What a glorious sight.
Yes, I have days that I am very sad. April is hard because my due date from the first pregnancy is soon approaching. April 21st was my due date. Thankfully I have an amazing husband and he is going to drive home from Indiana so we can be together as a family that day.
(Chad moved to Indiana today... That's a whole other blog post. :)
I love each of you and we are so appreciative of all of the prayers and support we have received. It will never be forgotten.