Friday, October 1, 2010
I can't even express the love we have felt over the past two days. On Tuesday, in the doctor's office, the news felt so hopeless and the pain was so deep but after the love and prayers of our friends and family, we can feel God's presence and love showering us.
It's 3:15 am now and I have to be at the hospital at 5 am. I just can't seem to get my mind to stop racing to let me sleep. Surgery makes me nervous. I know that it's not a serious surgery and it's over in no time, but it still brings anxiety. The cramping is really starting and I am just wanting to fast forward and be done. I'm attempting to not really think about what is actually "happening" during the surgery. If I go there, I'll go to a really ugly place.
I've thought a lot about last week because it appears that's when we lost our sweet little one. What was I doing at the moment that my sweet baby's heart stop beating? Was I asleep? Was I playing with Parker? I had no clue at that moment that my life would be forever changed. I am sure that I will always wonder about the baby. Was it a boy or girl? (I feel like it's a girl, though.) What color would her hair be? Would she be loud and crazy like Parker or calm and quiet? Would she come around her due date or be early?
And now the new questions, will we ever again to experience the joy of finding out we're pregnant? How in the world are we going to cope with possibly months or even years of fertility treatments? Do we even want to do that? Should be just attempt adoption? So many questions to fill my mind.
I am sure that I will always struggle with those questions. So many sweet friends have offered encouraging words and shared stories of their experience with a miscarriage. Most have shared that they always think about their angel babies. I'm sure that will never stop.
Sad times always force me to call on the Lord like never before. That saddens my heart because I wish that I realized daily my desperate need for Him, not just during sadness.
I appreciate all of the sweet notes, calls, and love that we have received. Words can't express my thanks. I KNOW that the prayers are what allowed me to "survive" the past few days.